


Hugs For The Socially Inept

by gacrux



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, also it is fairly corny, bring your popcorn and a large drink, kanda keeps travelling with allen and johnny and things go awry, turned out more pre-slash than expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:04:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4434812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gacrux/pseuds/gacrux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen and Kanda try communicating. As expected, it's a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hugs For The Socially Inept

Chasing Allen all over hell's half acre trying to explain _things_ to him has been, quite frankly, the worst decision of Kanda's entire life. They've been trying to find a place to rest in a pretty small, unassuming little town and it's turning out to be inanely difficult. Then of course Allen guilt-tripped himself after he lapsed into the Fourteenth again, ran off, and Johnny's been MIA since they got here trying to find their merry trio a vacant inn. These are all pretty inconvenient developments because it adds up to damage control falling to _Kanda,_ and Kanda's only ever been good at doing the damage itself. Cleaning up messes in the shape of people has only ever been a great big damned trial for Kanda – even if it's his mess. Like the beansprout's present situation kind of is.

 

But he's still trying.

 

“I'm trying to talk to you here, beansprout-”

 

“Does it look like I give a flying _fuck_ right now, Kanda.”

 

Trying and failing, currently.

 

“Well you _should_ -”

 

“Should what!? Care about whatever you're bitching me out for now? Really? _Really?_ ” He invokes in plain sight, scares the shit out of a local dog and its pint-sized owner, and Kanda yanks the idiot into an alley before he can do anymore damage to himself or the wildlife.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, beansprout.” He seethes, one hand pulling Allen along by the crook of his neck, the other just _itching_ to grab Mugen and set the boy straight. Aggressively.

 

He doesn't though, because that would be counterproductive.

 

Allen's gone particularly silent now, and Kanda is loathe to look over and figure out just what's going through the idiot's head. He's been switching back between moods so fast lately it's a wonder he hasn't given himself some kind of emotional whiplash – although Kanda halfway thinks he's already done that, frankly. It's the only explanation for this.

 

Allen stops dead, ears red as dawn, and Kanda braces himself. This is where things get messy again.

 

“Beansprout, talk to me. Right now. Doesn't matter what about, just _talk_.” He demands, one hand still clamped to the boy's neck. Allen is staring at the ground, not at Kanda, which is _just fine_ with Kanda because he doesn't like looking at Allen when he's like this. It's fucking awkward and Kanda's just – not good with shit like this.

 

Yet, here he is.

 

“Alright, fine. I'll talk. Have I ever told you how much I hate when you get like this?” He rants, only vaguely paying attention to what he's saying. Allen's shoulders come up defensively, but Kanda just plows right on. If he stops now he won't start again, and they'll just end up stewing in silence until Johnny finds them. “I fucking hate it, beansprout. You could avoid this if you'd just be honest with someone about how you feel about all this shit, but you never are. Never. It's infuriating.”

 

And that's it. He's run out of steam. Bitching at Allen lost its appeal somewhere between literally stabbing him in the kidney and reuniting with him dressed up as a big idiot clown. Now he only does it out of necessity, because if he didn't Allen would probably run off and kill himself because he's the Fourteenth. The moron.

 

“I was honest with you.” Allen retorts, quiet as you please and under his breath, so Kanda has to strain to hear him.

 

“Me? You were honest with _me?_ ” Kanda repeats, doubtful. “At what point ever in your life-”

 

“When we were fighting Alma.”

 

Kanda bites down on his tongue, hard. That name is still kind of, _kind of_ a sore spot. A sore everything, really.

 

But it's a fair assessment – Allen had been honest with him for the first time ever right there, in the middle of the Order, in between bouts of trying to play the put-upon referee for he and Alma. Kanda remembers every word he spoke because he _knew_ when Allen was being honest, and it'd been a bit of a shock. His face, the way it just _crumpled_ under the weight of the admission; that Allen didn't understand Alma, that Kanda understood exactly jackshit about Allen and his past, and it'd kind of served as a grounding point for the both of them. Eventually.

 

“Well just do that again, then.” Kanda says after a long moment of silence. Allen looks bitterly opposed to the idea, so Kanda tries again. “Look, could you _just_ -”

 

“No! Okay? No I can't _just_ be honest because if I am nobody will believe in me, not even myself! I can't tell everyone I think I'm going to lose to the Fourteenth, I can't tell them I don't know who I am anymore, I can't tell them that everything I've ever known has been a _lie_ and I certainly can't tell them I've never actually believed I could beat the Fourteenth – I've just been surviving off the illusion that I can convince _other people_ I can. And I just-” Allen heaves a breath, and the sound is so broken. “I just fucking hate myself, okay? And I can't go around telling people that. I just can't.”

 

This is where someone like Johnny or Lenalee or _anyone but Kanda_ would come in handy. They could soothe Allen's ruffled feathers, tell him they don't care that he hates himself and that they'll believe in him no matter what, even if he doesn't believe in himself. That's why he decided to help Johnny find his way to the idiot no matter the cost, because Allen needs that. It's the only way he'll ever have the drive and determination to fight the Fourteenth, the Earl, the rest of the Noah clan, and every shitty akuma in between. He needs that faith, that blind optimism. And Kanda isn't that. He's never _been_ that.

 

Somewhere along the line the sun started to set, the shadows in the alley have grown long, and Kanda's hand is still on Allen's neck. He's not sure why he thinks letting go would be a bad idea.

 

“Get off.” Allen mutters, pushing half-heartedly at Kanda's elbow. His voice sounds a little raw around the edges, like he's more upset than his face is letting on. It's infuriating all over again because it's like Allen doesn't know how to just be truthful. Like it's not in his programming or whatever.

 

Kanda doesn't budge. Allen makes to leave.

 

“Let go-”

 

“No! Just – hang on a minute. Christ.” Kanda snaps, bare fingers digging into the skin of Allen's neck. Allen looks over at him like he's trying to read him, but the face he's making suggests Kanda is thinking in a language he doesn't understand. It would make sense; Allen's not very good at understanding Kanda. Never has been. Until that fight with Alma, he guesses. That's when everything was turned on its head.

 

“You think you understand people, don't you.” Kanda surmises, frowning into the grey depths of Allen's eyes. He kind of feels like he's talking out his ass here because what does _Kanda_ know or care about understanding people? He doesn't. Point blank. But he knows Allen is in the same boat as he is, so there's that. “You don't. You think Johnny or Lenalee would throw in the towel if they heard you say you didn't believe in yourself? Yeah, right. Between the two of them _alone_ they have enough faith in you to carry your ass to victory. And there's tons of people who still think you can do this, idiot. Even-”

 

 _Even I do,_ he doesn't say. Allen seems to hear it anyway, and looks awed for a split second. Then he scoffs quietly, a paper-thin defence to try and distance himself from what was said, and Kanda's not having it.

 

“Shut up, beansprout. If I thought you were dangerous you'd be a corpse by now.” He declares, scowling.

 

“My name's Allen, idiot.” He mumbles, looking down and away. Kanda can see the red flush down from his ears into his cheeks, across his nose. It's so _bizarre_ how he reacts to people giving a damn about him. It's like no one's ever told him he matters or something, which goes against all rationality because Allen gives a damn about _everything_ and where did he learn that if not from someone else?

 

“Can we go back now?” Allen asks. Kanda shrugs, indifferent.

 

“Are you done being stupid now?”

 

“I am _not_ -”

 

“Shut up, not after the conversation we just had.” Kanda retorts, grappling with Allen until he's got him in a half-assed headlock. He doesn't know why he does it – he's not a touchy person by nature. He just felt like it, inexplicably. Allen doesn't resist very much, just enough to keep up appearances. Not that there's anyone to keep up appearances for – it's just two of them, a deserted alley, and a couple of crows eyeing them from afar.

 

So if Kanda doesn't let go and Allen doesn't fight it and _maybe_ it turns into a stupid hug for socially inept dumbasses, who's gonna call them out on it?


End file.
